Hey guys! This is a rant post I needed to post after what happened today and this past few weeks since I’ve been home.
I password protected this post so that my parents would not read it as they would get offended and that’s one thing that comes to mind as why I need to move out. I’ll get more into that later though. I decided to make this public because I don’t care if they read it anymore.
I’m fed up. Just about to explode. Yeah, it’s Merry Fucking Christmas Eve but it doesn’t feel like it in my household because of all of the tiny picking everyone does at each other. These past few weeks my family has focused on the way I treat my younger sister, Meagan. She just turned 13 in November. I have heard nothing but “you treat her horribly” “you are very critical” “you could say nice things every once in a while” and the first comment and last comment came from my mom who was never really very critical of me so I apologized to my sister because I have been noticing the negative things and not commenting on the good things. What you have to understand is that the “you are very critical” comment came today, sorta.
My sister got her hair cut today. She kept saying how she wasn’t going to get it like our mother’s (cause she just got her hair cut and colored yesterday) but she wanted a short bob cut. That’s what my mom has. Then she comes home and I was just like “I thought you said you didn’t want it like mommy’s?!” & have her a silly 😛 face. and she was like “I didn’t know it was going to be like that!” Then I told her I liked it and then I noticed that the right side is shorter than the left and I yelled to my dad (I’m in my room and he was in the kitchen which is only a few footsteps away) asking him “Did they do that on purpose?” Then all of a sudden he was like “ERIN!” I was shocked at the response and was like “What?” He replied “If you could just spend one day not being critical…” (that was all) Now, I’m pissed, fed up, etc. and that’s why I typed this up and posted this. I needed to rant.
I was just asking one simple question. I didn’t care either way. He must not have heard me tell her I like it but that doesn’t matter. He just automatically ASSUMED I said nothing to her about liking her hair cut. He didn’t even (and hasn’t yet and never will) answer my question.
I realize I am harder on her than I should be and I’m learning how to not be so hard on my future kids like I am with her. It is a learning experience that I appreciate. What I don’t appreciate is the way they criticize me. It is never polite or nicely worded or anything like that. They laugh at me for bringing in the bar of soap home from Florida because I didn’t want it to sit there and disintegrate when I’m not even using it. It would have been a waste of a bar. They laughed at me, not with me. They do this all of the time. My family bullies me and belittles me and I’m tired of it to the point where I’m about to burst into tears right now.
My mom wonders why I want to move out so badly at the end of this semester and I feel like I can’t even tell her because she will get seriously offended and may even start crying. I talk to my mom about everything so not being able to tell her something kills me. I hate it but sometimes there are things you just can’t talk to your parents about.
My mom is paying the rent for the apartment I’d be moving to (at least until I start working as a Teacher in 2016). So, she calls the shots as to when I move out and when we sign the papers and rent the truck and get everything moved down there from here in Alabama. (I’m moving to Jacksonville, Florida. So about 6-6.5 hr drive) Which really puts me in a big hole.
I want to sign the leasing agreements in April and move out, literally, as soon as school ends in May (first week of May I believe) but she doesn’t want to pay the extra months of rent (May, June & July) if she doesn’t have to. I have a few summer classes I have to take. The majority of them are online (THANK THE LORD, I HATE GOING TO CLASS) but there is 1 (possibly two if I don’t get into the class I’m still waitlisted for this semester) that I have to take during the summer where I actually have to go to class. Which is where the if she doesn’t have to comes into play. She is trying to work out my schedule so that she pays for my dorm during the beginning of summer and then I come home after classes are over and then I move out a week or two before I have to go back to school in the fall next year (early August).
I can’t wait that long. I need to get out of here otherwise I am going to lose my freaking mind. She doesn’t understand that and can’t understand that because I can’t freaking tell her without her crying about it.
I have no idea what to do. I just know that if my schedule works out to where I’m in the dorm for even 8 more weeks, I’m going to scream. I cannot and will not live in the dorms any longer than I have to. I only did it in the first place because everyone around me was saying “It would be good for you” “You will meet new people”. That hasn’t happened and didn’t even happen with Kaitlyn. As my friend I met randomly in the hallway said “College kids are too mean and busy.” It is so true. I have a total of 2 friends that I met outside of Kaitlyn. TWO. They said I would meet people. Fuck that shit.
Reasons why I need to move out- (**s indicate the more important ones; more stars the more importance)
- constant picking at and bickering between everyone in my family.**********************************
- my sister is a teenager now and is getting an attitude and that is bringing out the worst in me. *****
- my family bullies me. Mainly my parents and now they are teaching bullying to my sister. **************
- the dorms are shit. I hated them even before I moved in there. I only did it because of my sister not wanting to move out (which she still doesn’t) and everyone talking me into it. **************
- I need independence. I still feel dependent on them and that is driving me crazy. ****
- No privacy. Even if I did have a boyfriend, which I don’t, I don’t have any privacy to do anything I want to do.
I have no idea what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I can’t go to my parents… or at least I don’t feel like I can. If I can, I don’t know how to word going to them so they don’t get offended and or start crying (mother would cry) or yell at me.